It’s early morning and I can’t sleep. So much going through my mind. I should be talking to Jesus, but I’m struggling a little with that this morning. I’m glad I can admit that yet it hurts when I do. It hurts to struggle to talk with the one you love the most, the one who loves you the most. I have questions. Questions. You know those questions to which God is the only one who truly understands the depth of those questions and who has the depth in His answers. I’m not sure I want the answers. I know I need them.
I had planned to write next about healing within the church. God has surely brought me through beautiful healing within the church but right now He is showing me there are hidden things within that healing that need work, so writing about it must wait. In God’s timing, that story and my life as an lgbtq+ parent will continue.
But for now ……
I lay here here this morning, recovering from COVID in the midst of recovering from surgery. In the midst of a beautiful different kind of healing. Cancer.
My cancer story……
On Feb 1, 2023, I went to a prayer group at my church. A request was mentioned for another person. However, the words that were said next made a heavy impact on what was to come next for me. It was said that what was happening was distractions. I knew what distractions were, they seem to happen right before every time I’m getting ready to hear God call me to step out and do something, for him. Something new. Something new was this blog which started February 12th.
Distractions……
On February 1, I went home from that prayer meeting holding onto that word. Distractions. Mentally preparing myself. That night I saw what really was just a small bruise on my upper thigh. My vein was bulging just a little. Nothing I normally would be concerned about. Except for that word. Distractions. This was not something I would normally run to the ER with but I had a heaviness that I couldn’t get rid of telling me to go. That night I was diagnosed with two blood clots. With no other symptoms, and a doctor looking at me after diagnosis asking “What even brought you down here tonight?” I think he was surprised as much as I was. I should have told him the truth, I just replied with my bruise and vein that was bulging.
Expensive meds……
$600 dollars a month for my blood thinner meds. An extra $600 a month was not something I was used to having extra of.
And God’s provision….
I am thankful we had the $600, but God went even further. I was able to get the refill from another facility which was 30 dollars for three months! God was just too good! Three months on a blood thinner, then a daily dose of low-dose aspirin. Sometime in May, I had a little bleeding, wasn’t much, and really didn’t concern me. Then my leg started feeling weird and heavy, so on June 2, I headed back to the ER. No blood clot at that time, but that ER doctor listened intently to what I was telling him and started a cancerous process. He even took it a step further and reached out himself, contacted another doctor who called me the next week, and saw me almost immediately. Seven days and I was in to see the new Doctor. Three days later, minor outpatient surgery. One week later on June 19th, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer.
Another doctor. Surgery was scheduled for August 30th. The surgery went well except the chart says it was a complicated case and took 100 percent more time than expected. A week later I am told no more treatment is needed.
My cancer story seems short….
Yet my cancer story seems loud. To me at least. I was told my cancer had not even presented itself and that those blood clots were a blessing
This is more than a healing story. It is God’s design of my cancer story. If God is in control of everything and allowed this to happen I have to believe His design was within it.
How he had taught me about distractions. Prayer group. The words that were spoken that morning. The heaviness. The blood clots. The second trip to the ER and that doctor! I believe God gave me that specific doctor on that ER trip. I also believe God gave me two good doctors after that ER trip He provided all I needed within the mess.
Here’s another thing. I hadn’t had medical insurance for over 20 years. I would pray God please keep me healthy until I have insurance. For the most part, He did. He even provided for the few times I needed urgent care. It wasn’t until January 2023 that I had health insurance. One month prior to all this starting. God does provide, He knows when, He knows how and it often is just one day at a time.
There is more to share later with the cancer diagnosis: things God wanted me to see about me, about Him, about us.
I know God provides. I know that too well. Yet today I struggle still in the depth of the new questions that only He has answers to. I struggle with wanting to know the depth of His answers.
Distractions……
Cancer. Surgery. Covid. Mixed in with a few more minor distractions. Three plus, distractions all at once.. And I’m not surprised because He is calling me again into something for Him, more than one thing…but for me, distractions just don’t come when God is about to call me into doing something for Him, they come also when God is working on leading me through something I need to go through for my good. Something that sounds difficult to me, and ya could hurt. His blessings within it I’m sure would be worth it and good. I need to talk with Him. I need the answers. Yet, I’m not sure I want them. I’m trying, but I’m struggling too. It seems easier in moments not to, and I know that is not good. And then it hits and it hurts because He is the one who loves me the most.