A little recap-Story is shared with the permission of my child. I use the pronoun “they” for my child. In 2016, my child was diagnosed with Gender dysphoria and “came out” to me as transgender. God continues to write our story…..
So many questions….
So many fears. So much hurt. So many “what ifs”. My love or God’s love? My strength or God’s strength? My way or God’s way?
At ten years old….
when I believed Christ died for my sins and I invited Him into my life to be my Savior, my heart changed. Heart transformation. I was given a new heart, the heart of God. His Love, His power, His wisdom. All of who God was, He would be for me. God’s Spirit now lived within me. A fountain of living water.
John 7:38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.
All of who God is, He is for me. But was I allowing Him to be all that He was and is for me? Were my fears getting in the way? Were my emotions too loud, or my desires stronger, or was my way of loving easier? All of who God is could be a fountain flowing out of my heart. But was it? There was so much to unclog, to allow that living water to flow out of me.
After 17 years….
of not being in church, I at this point had been attending for about three years. I still wasn’t comfortable. I still held onto my fears. I would sit in the back pew, I felt safe there. However, there was this elderly lady who would come and sit for a few minutes with me and chat. Every single week. Yes, we indeed became friends. I loved her. I miss her at times.
She didn’t know what was going on with my kid. Though I believe she was a beautiful example of one listening to God’s Spirit and letting it flow out to others. She gave me the book, “When I Lay My Isaac Down” by Carol Bent. The thing is she gave it to me within a month of my kid coming out as trans. It might even have been before they “came out” As, It was only a month later after my kid came out, that I heard the song for the first time “When I Lay My Isaac Down” and at that time I was in the process of already reading the book. God was telling me something, but was I listening? Could I hear Him? Why the story of Abraham and Isaac? Why this book, why this song?
This story actually began….
twenty-four years before ever reading this book or hearing the song.
I was pregnant with my third child. We had two beautiful girls. Looking forward to this baby, my husband was hoping for a boy. Yes, we would have been happy with another girl. Though I prayed to God would you please give him a boy? It wasn’t just a simple prayer. I added a little. “Please God, if you give him a boy, one day if you want him back I’ll try to understand”. I have never forgotten those words I prayed years ago.
A little baby boy…..
The time came, and we had a little baby boy. As I watched him grow, that prayer got put in the back of my thoughts, but truly never forgotten. Years went by. One day he was swimming; he tells me he was going deeper and deeper, but couldn’t come up. Then right in front of him was the post to the dock and he pulled himself up. He says he thought he was going to drown. I know God saved him. A few more years past August 2004, he was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital. Then transferred into the city hospital where he was in a coma for 2 1/2 days. He almost died, he should have died. God saved him.
That prayer….
was closer to the forefront of my thoughts now. Though it wasn’t a big concern. Then my friend’s 13-year-old died in her sleep from the same chronic disease my kid has. That prayer began to come closer to the forefront of my thoughts, and more often. Would I understand if God took my child? Could I understand? In the mornings I would often walk my short hall, praying, “Lord let him wake up today.” I had seen and heard too many times what this disease could and had done. I began to wonder will God take my child. Even thinking that, brought fear. I think at some point I even expected it to happen one day. Would I have understood? I lived in fear of that day happening.
That day….
did come seven years ago. Yet it wasn’t what I had expected. I wanted God to take it back. I didn’t want to do this. Yes, my child was alive, and I will forever be thankful. Yet my life changed going forward. God didn’t want my child through death, He wanted me to lay my child on the altar and trust Him. Trust Him to supply all that was needed through this journey. Was I willing? Was I willing to lay my “Isaac” down, broken heart, willing to trust God to supply all that was needed?
It wasn’t my Isaac God wanted, ….
It was me.
He wanted my hurt. He wanted me to truly know how good He is even in the midst of that hurt. He wanted me to search for answers-his answers. He wanted me to listen and obey even when fearful. He wanted me to be concerned with what he sees, not what people think. He wanted me to completely trust him. . He wanted to me experience hope like never before. He wanted me to see how faithful he is even in the waiting.
He wanted me to know security doesn’t come with circumstances, but comes with who God is. He wanted me to experience resting in him. He wanted me to experience what it is to give unconditional love. He wanted me to take that unconditional love and hurt for others.
He wanted me to be ready for whatever he had planned. He wanted me to be ready to do what would glorify him.
He wanted me.
“On this altar here he lays, just to find it wasn’t him; he wanted me” He wanted all of me.
I first wrote those words….
of the Story of Abraham and Isaac in 2019. There was so much more still God wanted me to learn between 2019 and today, and I am still working on learning all of who God is for me, and all He wants me to lay down in my life and trust him to supply.
To this very day, ….
I am still learning and living out that God’s grace was not just for the day I gave my life to Him at ten years old, but God’s grace is for me each and every day since and each and every day forward.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong". coming up.....small stories of God's lessons for me within "Laying my Isaac down"