Will You Still Love Me?

(My child has given me permission to share his story within my blog.)

The year prior to the day that changed my life going forward…. 2015.

My mischievous light curly-haired toddler with a smile that could melt your heart had grown up to be a handsome, dark-haired, smart, funny, tender-hearted, loving, and talented young man.

He persevered through homeschooling with his mom, learned to deal with health issues, and scored great on his GED tests. I was so proud of him. Some of our life circumstances held him back from being on the typical get school done schedule.

2015 was an exhausting year, not only for me but also for my young adult child. Five trips to the ER that year…. Cardiology appointments, primary care appointments, neurology appointments, test after test all with no answers.

There were many calls to me to please come home, and drop everything because this young adult was convinced he was having a heart attack or a stroke. His arms and legs were going numb, pain in his neck, and his heart was racing. There were times we would walk into the grocery store with, “Please mom, can we just leave?” It wasn’t the typical are you done yet, mom-type of thing. 911 calls were made from the grocery store, and 911 calls were made from home. Driving down the road, hearing, ” Mom take me to the ER, just take me to the ER!” I was exhausted. He was tired, exhausted, and scared. With no physical reason found for all this, it was suggested to see a counselor.

Fast forward to the Spring of 2016, my child had just gotten home from one of his first few counseling appointments, and I could tell he was on edge. He comes in and announces he needs to talk. All sorts of thoughts rummaged through my mind. A diagnosis of anxiety and panic disorder, and depression. There was more and as I watched him struggle to get the words out, I feared the worst. As tears trickled down his face, with a shaking voice, I hear, ” I feel like a girl”. “I’m transgender”. Diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. It wasn’t the worst but I quickly hear myself thinking, “Anything but this God, please not this”.

More talk and lots of tears.

I don’t know how to explain away what happened next because this was something totally new to me. I can only believe that God’s spirit filled me with the right words to say. They were true but how they came out had to be of God. Talk of I still loved him, God would always love him. Though before this brief part of our conversation, what rings loudest in my memory of that day is seeing the tears pour from my child’s face as he asks, “Will you still love me?, I just want to know you will still love me?”. This child I loved more than life itself was painfully asking if I would still love him.


to be continued….

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