(Shared with permission. At this point in the story, I am not using my child’s preferred name or preferred pronoun. Although I do use both now. That is also being done with permission.)
Will You Still Love Me?
It was mid-April, 2016 when my child “came out”. I will forever remember those words, “Will you still love me?” The thing is, he had been dealing with this alone for ten years. That right there gave me the answer to how he could ask that question. We never talked about that, we didn’t need to. I knew the world outside our doors was not always as kind as mom. Actually, it can be really hateful.
There were times though he would ask, how one should respond to someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you. I would always remind him to be kind and love them. I think maybe he was testing me.
Out of desperation that day, I picked up the phone and called someone I wouldn’t normally reach out to. Due to my past hurts, I wasn’t at a point where I completely trusted church leadership. I was desperate and I was hurting, I called my Pastor. I don’t remember what he said, but I do remember he was kind and compassionate. I wasn’t even sure he understood, but he did give me some information that became helpful later on. More on that at another time.
In The Quiet
Things became quiet over the next week. I was quiet. I was quiet on the outside. It felt like it was a raging storm on the inside. I cried for two days. Praying, “Anything but this God Please take it back. Anything but this, please just take it back.” I knew He wasn’t going to, but I so wanted Him to. Instead, I was forced to take a deep look inside myself and ask do I really love people, the way Jesus does. I didn’t.
I felt numb at times. I was hurting for my child, and I was hurting for me. I was angry this was happening. I blamed myself, I silently blamed my husband. Questioning, how did this happen? I felt so alone. Alone, knowing I had to accept this and move forward.
I was scared. How was I going to do this? I didn’t know how?
Where do I find help, who can I trust, and where do I find the answers?
Without me even realizing it, God had already begun preparing me for months, by putting in front of me little tidbits of necessary answers. Though I’m not sure I made the connection back then, there they were…….reminders of grace. The ones I share below, along with others. So close to when I needed them.
On March 24th, 2016 Lysa Terkeurst posted on Facebook, “When to give grace? I’d rather stand before God knowing I loved others too much than regretting that I judged them too harshly.”
Then again on April 4, 2016, she posted – “Sometimes God has to lean in close to my heart full of questions and gently whisper. You don’t have to have all the answers, Lysa. You just need to trust. Maybe your heart needs that reminder tonight too.” Included in her post was the following verse, little did I know I would need this reminder in two weeks.
Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declared the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
In my head, I knew God had the answers on how to do this. Yet in my heart I wanted control.
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Coming soon….was I ready to give up control, and more to the “coming out” story